Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Welcome to the parish of Smoke on the Water

Simon Satan spokesman for the Smoke on the Water Parish Council in the county of Glossitover was interviewed on local radio in the last week about the Parish Councillors' radical new approach to parking management.

"We have decided we don't like the look of some of the people who park in our village and so we have resolved to make the whole village out with yellow lines.

Mr Satan continued:

"As we do not have enough paint to do the whole village, in some places we will not actually be painting yellow lines and only putting up signs. It will be visitors' responsibility to seek out these signs if they can't see a yellow line.

"However in some less used parts of the village we feel we can probably dispense with the signs as well. In these circumstances anyone parking in the village can be fined without warning which should provide us with enough revenue to buy more signs and yellow paint.

"In order to enforce the new parking system we will be recruiting volunteers from the local community to erect and staff barricades and check points at the boundaries to the village. Anyone we don't like the look of and anyone with unpaid fines will not be allowed back into the village at all. In extreme cases we will also be asking the Courts to ban these cars from all the other villages in the County.

"Those who are here already will have to remove their cars from the village or we will take them and sell them.

"We have decided that anyone who disputes this matter will have to take us to Court."

Mr John Smith who has lived in the village for many years said,

"I don't much like this idea. I was mobbed by an angry supporter of the Parish Council when I dropped the kids of at school the other day because I  didn't know that there were double yellow lines outside the school. Unfortunately it seems the school is one of Mr Satan's 'remote' parts of the village where there are in fact double yellow lines, but where we can't afford yellow lines or signs yet.

"He says I should be a good citizen, and if I bothered following every last word of the consultation I wasn't invited to, I would know that the yellow lines outside the school should have been anticipated by any normal person."

Mr Satan responded saying, "I think everyone in the village understands that people like Mr Smith should stop winge-ing: Any normal person would simply buy a house within walking distance of the school. It's their own responsibility if they are inconsiderate enough to have children at a home place beyond walking distance of  the school."

When pressed Mr Satan did admit that actually many of the people he didn't like who parked in the village were other villagers and when pressed admitted that visitors to the village were increasingly rare as they didn't like to bring their cars there.

Mr Satan declined to comment on suggestions that he will receive a cash bonus based on the amount of fines raised through the parking scheme.

He also strongly refuted that the Parish Council was trying to distract media attention from the crumbling ivory towers of the parish church which were severely damaged by falling debris from several adjacent commercial developments during the severe storm a few years ago.

More news from a village like of Smoke on the Water on the BBC.

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